Sunday, February 14, 2010

A very open blog entry!

The last few months have been HARD!

I've been making some poor decisions regarding my training, eating, and hydration habits. I've been eating on impulse, giving in to temptation, and allowing myself to eat unhealthy food WAY too often! I've bagged a few long runs because "I just didn't feel right." I've been a total training mess!

Well, thanks to the help of my therapist, I've discovered a few interesting things about myself. It seems that I've been trying to be someone I'm not. I'm trying to be the employee that I think my superiors want, the person I think my friends want me to be, the runner that I think others see when they look at me. All of this thinking has prevented me from being who my superiors hired, who my friends know, and who I want to be as a runner! I've been trying to live my life as someone I'm not.

Throughout my therapy, the therapist noticed a few traits in me and decided I should be screened for ADHD. My wife has been telling me I'm ADHD for years, but I always thought she was teasing me about a few of my idiosyncrasies! Well, I was wrong. It turns out I am ADHD--with hyperactive and impulsive traits!

OH, so that's why I fidget so much? That's why I misplace things, am unorganized, and have a hard time concentrating when there are the slightest distractions! That's why I buy things, eat things, and have other impulsive behaviors! I never thought I would be happy with a diagnosis of ADHD, but it's a real relief!

Losing my identity came from wanting everyone to like me for who I thought they want me to be and not who I really am. This caused me to forget the ways I've learned to deal with my ADHD for the last 36 years and my impulsive nature really flared up--thus the binge eating, run bagging, etc. Knowing that I have these tendencies is a real plus for my future!

So now, I'm going to have to learn to think about what I do before I actually do it. Before I make that late night bowl of cereal, I need to think about what I really want--to be a lean, fit, ultra runner. When I'm out for a run and decide I need to pick up my pace, I need to think about how it's going to affect my overall run (will I tucker out early, is this a hard run day, what's the focus for today's training?) My therapist and I are working on strategies to help me with everyday things that I've struggled with forever--losing things (like my keys a few days a week,) keeping focused on finishing tasks, and a few more.

I think knowing about my ADHD is going to help me use my "problem" areas as strengths. I can focus on who I really am, what I really want, and how I'm going to get there. I just may need to make some things conscious for myself that others may do automatically.

I hope this all made sense. It's an eye opener for me. I need to live by a modified version of Isaak Newton's Third Law of Motion, "for every action I take, is the consequence what I want?"

Stay safe, keep your soles to the ground, and keep moving forward!

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